Dear Applicant! Thank you for your interest in the [job title] position at [Internet company name]. We are passionate about enlisting purpose-driven, passion-fueled innovators in our bold mission to build a world class mobile app that will forever alter the [over-saturated technology vertical], unlock human potential, and make a lasting positive impact on the world, not necessarily in that order. Won’t you join us in our amazing journey, at least until the company is sold, if that actually happens before we burn through our funding?
Let’s get the frank part out of the way: If you do not ooze passion, or are not very good at pretending to, that’s OK. We realize that true passion runs strongest and deepest in the rarest few. Does the idea of being merely qualified, determined, competent, and motivated make you feel hollow, wanting more? Does the thought of staying calm, deliberate, poised, and professional bore you interminably? Then read on.
Likely you've heard our passionate leaders speak about how fervently passionate they are about everything we do, and how their adrenal glands are as a result larger than those of ordinary humans. This is not empty rhetoric. Actually, it is empty rhetoric, but it’s driven by a very real fear of failing to attract the investors needed to sustain our desperate Internet start-up gambit long enough to find a buyer.
How passionate are we about what we do? Maybe you recall the compelling sight of paid weepers and greivers along Kim Jong Il’s funeral procession route? We are 10x that passionate. That's how.
Let’s be clear: Common Sense, Attention to Detail, and Following Through — these are corporate values that did not get us to the breathtaking position we are in today, clinging to a diminishing slice of a diminishing market.
As our [recognizable C-level exec here] cogently remarked, "Let’s think about how we got to this point.” Yes, it has been an amazing, passion-packed journey. Passionately inchoate decision-making allowed us to ignore standard good development practices and release software with embarrassing vulnerabilities. Now we face the unique opportunity of being flayed by our competition while also being drawn and quartered in the media. No doubt you have read about the product development oversights that led to the egregious customer data leak(s), and the resulting legal actions...
Yes, we’ve made some mistakes, but these were crimes of passion, made in the pursuit of awesome greatness, and victimless eventualities anyway… except for the employees that we laid off (we did that with passion as well, because we love what we do!). At [Internet company name] we are just as passionate about restoring the market confidence we never earned as we are passionate about restoring the loyal customer base we never built. And we have the exclamation marks to prove it!!!
The renowned educator Paul Cummins once remarked, “Passion without intelligence is of limited value.” Mr Cummins wasn’t fortunate enough to encounter the passion of the Uber driver who couldn’t get us to an important meeting on time yesterday because his smartphone battery ran out, and he just moved here from New jersey, and he doesn’t know his way around the Bay area -- exactly the kind of passionate enthusiasm we thrive on! Our driver thought it would be a good idea to try a job he’s never done before, and in an unfamiliar place. He followed his passion and, guess what, he learned something about himself: He has a terrible sense of direction! Let’s reflect on that. He isn’t very good at his job, he doesn’t know where he’s going, yet he’s headed there with a passion, inspiring others around him, and creating an unlooked-for impact by making people late for meetings. If this story stirs your passion to disrupt, then let’s talk about your passion and our passion getting together to synergize something remarkable and profound.
Thank you for your interest. This job posting has been flagged for removal.