Letter from Abroad

Note to readers: This post is for my friends and colleagues abroad, still scratching their heads over the result of the November 2024 presidential election.

To those of you residing across the big pond, especially those in the UK, go ahead and have yourselves a hearty larf. It's on us! We the People, in order to form a more perfect union, have determined it is in our best interest to elect a President permanently immune from the rule of law. So stop being so bloody gob smacked. Yes, we really have abandoned the notion of a democratic Republic. We have instead elected an autocratic ruler in the style of your old King George III, but even more mad and more unfit to rule than Georgie. Ah, if only irony weren’t dead!

Now for the Q&A portion.

How could Americans allow this to happen? Half of us is asking the same thing. How could we reject the competent, qualified, youthful, articulate, and policy-wise candidate? Why did we select instead the convicted felon running only to avoid prison? Two reasons: our adversaries won the disinformation war, and we are not good at discerning bullshit. 

What rotted hive mind made us choose the bitter, rambling demented grandpa running on a platform of “they’re eating the dogs, they’re eating the cats”? The answer is It doesn’t matter. Like it or not, all Americans are in a cult now. Figuratively speaking, we have all “eaten the pets of the people that live there.” Quite simply, we’ve gone barmy.

Does character matter to Americans? Definitely not. Dark performative politics is what matters now. We're in favor of hollowed-out career politicians blithely repeating lies and absurdities in order to hold onto power. We choose cult over character. Rational, reasonable discourse is banished. People who run for office to actually serve their constituents are laughable.

But what about America as the beacon of democracy, the shining city on the hill? We’re over that antiquated notion. We are firmly uncurious about things like democratic principles and the rule of law applying equally to everyone. We just want to live our lives undisrupted from what matters most – which is our cell phones and our social media. Much like you, we are too busy being entertained and self-obsessed to pay notice to what is going on, including the bus bearing down on us as we cross the street while playing a word game. I speak from experience. 

Is there hope? We don’t know yet. At this moment, those of We the People not enthralled by the cult are embarrassed to be Americans. We’d like to apologize in advance for the gross economic and political incompetence that America has queued up for the world to experience. Hail to the king!